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The Lobbyist

As the candidacy of Mr. Alphonse is being mentioned in the news, things are happening at headquarters. We are about to have a visit from a lobbyist. We don't know what a lobbyist is! We certainly don't have a big enough lobby that it requires special help to maintain.

Al, said Barely, We have a lobbyist coming to visit and I thought I better let you know, so we could be ready. What does a lobbyist do, asked Al? I don't know , said Barely, lets look the word up in the dictionary. "To Lobby" - To attempt to influence or sway a public official toward a desired action. Did that help, asked Barely? Not much, said Al, I thought a lobby was a room. Well, aid Barely, it is a room, but the word has more than one meaning. Why, asked Al? I don't know, said Barely. So, what do you think this lobbyist wants with us, asked Al? I don't know, said Barely, but I think I should talk to him first, and then the three of us meet after that. That's fine with me, said Al.

Hello Mr Beaver, my name is Larry Lobby and I represent many machine manufacturing companies. Nice to meet you Larry, my name is Barely. How can we help you, asked Barely? My company deals with both domestic and international commerce. Frequently there is legislation than can have a profound affect on our gross sales. Such as, asked Barely? Well, said Larry, any proposed legislation that would increase imports, particularly from China, could make a big difference in our bottom line. And how could we help along that line, asked Barely? As president, Mr Alphonse could influence various congressmen to vote in a particular way. I see, said Barely, and why would the president want to do that? If he was willing to give us assurances, said Larry, we could guarantee him a lot of votes from our industry. Maybe it's time to bring Mr Alphonse into this meeting, said Barely.

Mr Alphonse, this is Larry Lobby, said Barely. Hi Larry, please call me Al, said Al. Thank you sir for your kindness and for taking the time from your busy schedule to meet with me, said Larry. I hope we can come to some agreement that will benefit both of us, said Larry. Perhaps you could explain to me what a Lobbyist does, asked Al? Certainly, said Larry, we try to help various industries acquire advantages over their competition, domestic or international, by influencing the outcome of legislation. And exactly how could that work, asked Al? Well, if you were president you could influence certain congressmen to vote a certain way help the people I represent. And why would I want to do that, Asked Al? If you could guarantee us that you would use your influence to help us if you are elected to the presidency, we can guarantee you a lot of votes from our industry, said Larry. Isn't that a from of buying votes, asked Al? It is a bit like that, but all aspiring politicians do it, said Larry. Well, said Al, I need to think on that a bit. Meanwhile, Barely, would you ask miss Sweetly to step in here. asked Al.

Larry, this is Miss Sweetly, our secretary and office manager, said Al. VERY nice to meet you, said Larry. The pleasure is all mine, said Miss Sweetly. And what part will Miss Sweetly play in this arrangement, asked Larry? First, she will keep a record of the meeting and second, she will help us analyze the results of the meeting, said Al. I don't really think you will want to keep a record of the meeting, said Larry. Why is that, asked Al? It's not a good idea to have records about which lobbyist you have arrangements with, said Larry. OK, said Al, Miss Sweetly would you ask the rest of my election committee to come in? I don't think they should all be privy to this meeting either, said Larry. I figured that, said Al, but they have never met a genuine lobbyist, and I know they would disappointed if I didn't introduce them.

Hi guys, said Al, I would like you to meet Larry Lobby, a lobbyist from Washington, DC. Larry, next to Miss Sweetly is Hickey Hedgehog; he is in charge of scheduling interviews, next is Golly Goose; he is in charge of travel arrangements, next is Ozzy Octopus; he is the speech writer, and last, Vinny is charge of security. He is also my personal body guard. Seems I heard a rumor about someone biting the News Bear from channel 300, said Larry. Well, said Al, That was unfortunate, however, the bear should have been kinder to Miss Sarah - he probably will be next time. OK guys, said Al, everyone but Vinny and Barely is excused for now.

In case you are wondering, said Al, I don' keep anything from Barely and Vinny. We have to be on the same page at all times. Alright, said Larry, Lets get down to business. If you can influence the voting concerning imports, I can guarantee you most of the union vote. But you don't deal with all of the unions, said Al. I know, said Larry, but if the ones I deal with go for you the rest will follow. Well, said Al, this is just a preliminary discussion, and I will need to think on this a lot. I will get back to you soon. Pleases leave your contact information with Miss Sweetly. I will, said Larry, and thank you for your time. By the way, asked Larry, about how much money do you have in your war chest? What war chest, asked Al? I mean your election funds, said Larry. Oh, said Barely, about 5 and a half. Million, asked Larry? Dollars, said Barely. You better get busy with fund raising, said Larry the last president elected spent 60 million dollars. Thanks for coming Larry, I better meet with my guys, said Al.

Hi Miss Sweetly, Mr Alphonse asked me to stop and give you my contact information. I will be happy to take it, said Miss Sweetly. By the way, said Larry, are you busy for lunch? No, I am free for lunch, and the afternoon as well. That's great, said Larry, maybe we could spend the afternoon together. I would like that, said Miss Sweetly.

Mac, I have a question for you, said Al. How much is 60 million dollars? That is a great deal of money, said Mac, why do you ask. I just talked to a Washington Lobbyist and he said I would need about 60 million dollars to run an election campaign. Well, said Mac, that's about how much the last election cost the winner. I could never raise kind of money, said Al. I doubt you could get 10 percent of that with no previous experience in politics, said Mac. Gosh, I really wanted to be president, said Al, now I can't even try. You could still run, said Mac. There is no point if you don't stand a chance - it would be a waste of a lot of money. I guess I better go and break the news to the gang.

Well guys, I have some bad news, said Al - I am going to drop out of the race for the presidency. WHY, asked everyone? I found out it cost around 60 million dollars to run the campaign, said Al, an we could never raise anything close to that much money. I know we don't know much about money, but Mac says it is a very large sum of money, said Al. What will we do, asked Barely, we had so many plans. I really enjoyed working together, said Vinny, it's nice to have a purpose in life. I know, said Al, it is really sad that the candidate with the most money wins rather than the the one most qualified. SO, what do we do now, asked Hickey? I guess for now we can just hang out and see what happens, said Al. I think I will head down to Texas and see the family, said Golly. Me too, said Ozzy, I'm about ready for some real salt water for a change.

Well Vinny, it's down to you, Hickey, Barely and me, said Al. Yeah, said Vinny, I don't want to leave, I really like it here with you guys. If you promise to not bother Barely, Mac would probably like for you to stay, said Al, and I know I would. I think Barely would like you to stay as well, said Al, but he might not admit it. I will ask Mac, said Vinny, and we will see how it all works. I think Hickey will stay, said Al, he would find it hard to make it back to Africa or wherever he is from.

Boy, running for president is harder than I thought. I never dreamed it could cost so much. Someone should fix that. I'm really disappointed - I really wanted to try to get elected. Now I don't even get to try, unless I waste a lot of money, and that doesn't make any sense at all. I wonder if I should contact Miss Sarah and tell her I have dropped out. I suppose I don't need to since I never told her I was in. Gosh, I won't ever get to meet her either. Sometimes, life can be a bummer-

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